Still Can’t Find A Summer Job? It’s Not Too Late to Run for President!

Frustrated in your summer job search? Think your choices are limited to an unpaid resumé-building internship or a mindless school loan-reducing hourly drone job? Think again! This summer, the floodgates are wide open on a new option that may be just the right fit for you — you could run for President of the United States!

No credentials? Not a problem! No war chest? Not to worry! No real message? Even better!

You can thank your lucky stars that these trailblazers are lighting your path. Take Michael Kinlaw, for example, Texan Tea Partier with no political background. His claim to fame? He is “the only person running for office that is an average citizen.”

Had trouble with the law? No biggie. Thank Rick Perry, the only candidate currently under indictment who, when reminded that he couldn’t remember that “third agency” during his 2012 failed presidential campaign, displayed new-found smarts in stating, “anyone who’s done this more than once is recasting himself.”

Been fired? Take a spin-the-message lesson from Carly Fiorina, the ex-Hewlett-Packard CEO who fired 30,000 workers before getting the boot herself, and used that as a credential. Her “Demon Sheep” ad from her 2010 campaign has become one of the most infamous in recent political history.

Not a Republican? There’s still room for you! Martin O’Malley, the boyish liberal former governor of Maryland, can’t raise his polls above 2% despite playing in a Celtic rock band and being an alleged model for the mayor in “The Wire”.

Long in the tooth? Piece of cake! Thank Bernie Sanders, the 73-year-old who, armed with low expectations and a stopped-clock message that has finally found its time, is suddenly giving Hillary a run for her money Republicans can only salivate over.

As far as squandering that guaranteed resumé-builder for a long shot, consider this: for the price of a web page (free), you can begin narrowcasting your campaign. When you don’t make the debate stage cutoff (if you toss your hat in the Republican arena), you can complain and get more attention. When you withdraw at the end of the summer, your name recognition will command book deals and outrageous speaker’s fees.

Downside? We’re still researching that one.

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